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Journey into the Lives of Women, One Story at a Time

Booklover Carols Revisited: A Tradition Gone Awry

Given the choice, would you rather have a book from me in June or new Booklover Carols this week?

Booklover CarolsThat’s what I thought. It’s December 20th as I write this, and I haven’t decorated my house. I haven’t sent Christmas cards. I haven’t baked a single thing. But I did just, and I do mean just, send the manuscript for The Swallow’s Nest to my editor.

This is an appropriate moment to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. I certainly did–but I did not rewrite it.

Every year, for too many to count, I’ve gifted you with a ridiculous take-off on a favorite Christmas carol, twisted and tortured to say something about books and publishing. Since this year I didn’t have time for a new one–and because I used up my last ounce of creativity on my book–today I’m doing a rerun of some of my favorites.

Please don’t throw anything at your computer screen. And feel free to just move on if these seem too familiar. You can always read the news to get you in the holiday spirit.

Well, maybe not.

Ever wonder how a romance novelist feels when she finally sees her cover art and, well, tries to imagine showing it to her mother?

Cover Art (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells.)

Cover art, Cover art, racy all the way
Oh what fun it is to see what the artist had to say–ay
Cover art, cover art, racy all the way
Oh what fun it is to see what the artist draws today

Dashing for the mail
On the way to work one day
I spied an envelope, with postmarks bright and gay
I opened it with care, and stared at what I saw
A handsome man, a gorgeous babe, both lounging in the raw

Chorus

My editor is grim,
My protest made no friends
Chests and breasts sell books, I have to make amends
I promise I’ll be good, I won’t complain or whine
But when it hits the stores and shelves I’ll claim it isn’t mine

While years ago I wrote a carol called Mary Reader about bookstores that only carried familiar authors on the shelves, times have changed. These days, readers can dig through millions of books online and simply download them to their favorite device or have them cheerfully delivered. Better, worse? You decide. Enjoy the following carol about Amazon.

Here Comes Amazon (sung to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus.)

Here comes Amazon, here comes Amazon
Right to your front door,
UPS or US postman
Bringing books and more
Doorbell ringing, VISA singing
Profits on the rise
So clear a space ‘neath the Christmas tree
For Amazon’s latest prize.

Here comes Amazon, here comes Amazon
With your favorite tome
You made a wish list for your friends
So they could shop at home
Don’t need Santa or Old St. Nick,
Computer did it all
So stick the box ‘neath your Christmas tree
‘Cause Amazon came to call.

Here comes Amazon, here comes Amazon
Without a reindeer sleigh
All the things you ever wanted
One “enter” key away
Peace on earth will come to all
If Amazon prices it right
So let’s give thanks to *Bezos himself
‘Cause Amazon comes tonight.

(*Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s CEO and not Beelzebub.)

I wrote this next carol after a webinar in which I was patiently schooled on promoting my career by revealing all my secrets online. By the way, I never blogged about any neighbor’s collie, but I did blog about Nemo, the amazing beagle, whenever I could find an excuse.

Deck the Web–the Publicist’s Carol (sung to Deck the Halls–insert fa la las on your own)

Deck the web with tidings jolly
Blog about your neighbor’s collie
Tweet about your sister’s coma
Anything to get some promo

Simple websites are so easy
Ninety pages, light and breezy
Feature pets and cakes and weather
Books are fine, but gossip’s better

Facebook, Snapchat are delightful
Every post should be insightful
Update morning, noon and evening
Write your books while fans are sleeping

I wrote two carols about the demise of bookstores. Borders is gone forever, but many fabulous independent bookstores remain in business. I encourage you to visit yours and buy a Christmas present. Don’t let the following happen to you.

I’ll Shop There For Christmas (sung to the tune of I’ll Be Home For Christmas)

I’ll shop there for Christmas
You can count on me
Please wrap Poe with misletoe
To place beneath my tree

Christmas Eve will find me
Where bestsellers gleam
I’ll shop there for Christmas
If only in my dreams

I’ll shop there for Christmas
I can count on you
You know where to find Jane Eyre
And Dan Brown’s latest, too.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where “for rent” signs gleam
I’ll shop there for Christmas
If only in my dreams

And finally, while the most ridiculous of these carols might be hard to pinpoint, I wrote this one after yet another paperback fell apart in my hands halfway through a story. Mariah Carey’s smash hit was just ripe to be “re-arranged.”

All I Want for Christmas is Glue (sung to the tune of All I Want For Christmas is You)

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
To go with all the novels
Underneath my Christmas tree

I want my pages, one, two, three
In perfect order I can read
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is glue, yeah.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don’t care about anything else
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Give me pages, merry and gay
Lined up right on Christmas Day

Me and Elmer, close as lovers
Gluing pages into covers
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is glue
Glue, baby

Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for snow
Just pages glued in order
Underneath the mistletoe

I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
But the very next time I buy a book
I’ll be careful what I pick

‘Cause I just want glue here tonight
Locking pages tight
What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is glue
Glue, baby
As somewhere pages are falling
I hear readers’ voices calling
Glue or staples, needles and thread?
To reassemble the book I read?

Oh, I don’t want a lot for Christmas
Just glue for a little mending
I just want to read my pages
Right through to the happy ending

Oh, I just want glue for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is glue
Glue, baby

All I want for Christmas is glue, baby
(Repeat until your tongue falls out.)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Take a little advice? If you go caroling tonight? Leave this blog at home.

7 Comments

  1. Melody Brown on December 21, 2016 at 8:00 am

    Thanks for your carols, they made me smile. Can’t wait for your next book! I just finished “Sisters Choice”, i loved it. My sister gave it to me and I made her a Sisters Choice quilt.
    Merry Christmas!

  2. Sandy Larivee on December 21, 2016 at 8:07 am

    Love the carols. Looking forward to the new book. Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas and prosperous New Year.

  3. Pat Kennedy on December 21, 2016 at 10:22 am

    Dear Emilie,
    Very clever words indeed!

    I would write a little ditty to reply,
    But you are far more clever than I!
    Happy wishes sent with love,
    I wish you blessings from above.

    Fa la la la la ….ha ha ha ha ??

  4. Nancy Lepri on December 21, 2016 at 5:59 pm

    Em, you’re a hoot!!!! Wishing you and Proman a happy, healthy Christmas and prosperous 2017!!! ?

  5. Linda Reebes on December 24, 2016 at 1:47 am

    just finished “No River Too Wide” and enjoyed it so much. That is the first book written by you that I have read and so enjoyed it that I can’t wait to get your other ones. You are a very talented author. Thank you for putting such interesting work out tjere

  6. Marsha Markham on December 11, 2017 at 10:53 am

    Wow…I am impressed…not only can you write books, you can write lyrics too. Who knew? They are a hoot.
    Have a wonderful holiday. We are going up to spend time with our son and family and, best news of all: Little Cloud has a court date on the 29th and will be officially adopted then! Now, that’s what I wanted for Christmas! 🙂

  7. Coelle Baskel on December 11, 2017 at 10:58 am

    Oh Emilie….these re-written carols are Wonderful! I somehow have missed them in the past and clicked on your link today from your newsletter. Especially love the Amazon one. May you enjoy the Holiday season this year…thanks for your great newsletters and books!

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