Banned from Wal Mart, A Cautionary Tale

With Hurricane Sandy and the Frankenstorm coming to many of you, I wanted something quick and entertaining today, just in case you still have power wherever you are.  Author M.J. Rose had the following on her Facebook Page, and I decided it fit the bill.  She says a friend forwarded it to her, so, for now, the author has to be anonymous.  If I discover who wrote it (or if you do) please tell me so I can add it here.  In the meantime smile, and if you’re in Sandy’s path, stay safe.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal Mart:

Dear Mrs . Spencer,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Spencer, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms (size small) and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.” This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, “Where is the fitting room?”

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.

Thanks, MJ!


  1. Kathleen O on October 30, 2012 at 10:29 am

    I have seen this before, but it is always worth another read and a good chuckle…

    • Emilie Richards on October 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

      A first for me, and a good time for a laugh. Glad you enjoyed it again.

  2. nancy on October 30, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    could this be you, Bruce?

  3. Susan on October 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Very funny! Thanks for sharing.

  4. Debbie Haupt on November 1, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Emilie this should come with a disclosure to not be drinking anything while reading it.
    OMG it’s just what I needed today to get those juices flowing, thanks for the laugh

    • Emilie Richards on November 1, 2012 at 11:22 am

      I thought it was a “snorter” too. Just what I needed.

  5. Pat Kennedy on October 30, 2023 at 10:46 am

    I must say I just saw this, and I am sitting and chuckling at this person and his originality and gusto for kidding around. HOWEVER< by the same token, I truly feel sorry for his poor wife. And people say to their children, you were so naughty , "I can't take you anywhere". Here is a very senior Dennis the Menace.
    I hesitate to say this is a better option than some elders who sit and mope, and complain. I would choose this guy.

  6. Pat Kennedy on November 10, 2023 at 11:36 am

    I am keeping this story. I will re -re- reread it because it gives me very good chuckles and the endorphins are good for the mental health and the soul.

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